On the evening of Thursday I started to feel abdominal pain. I wasn’t sure it was labour, but it started getting im the shape of “waves” very soon, so we called the hospital. They confirmed to us these were early signs of labour, that all was good, and we needed to wait until the contractions lasted at least 1 minute every 4/5 minutes. They warned us that, because this was our first baby, early labour could also last for days. We monitored the contractions with an app, noticing how they were increasing in rhythm and intensity every hour. They were painful but someway bearable, I didn’t use any relieving tool apart from the breathing techniques we learnt in the hypnobirthing course and focusing on resting between them. Tom was amazing all the way through, holding my hands, gently massaging my back and embracing each new wave with me, reminding me that everything was going as supposed to and we were close to meeting our Neva.
Throughout the morning of Friday the contractions almost reached the regular pattern expected and I started to be worried that we were waiting too much time before going to the hospital. We checked with the midwives every 5/6 hours but only in the early afternoon they confirmed us we could approach for a check. They anticipated that we could have been sent home again, but I was feeling that my contractions were really strong and close to each other, so I hoped with all my heart that we could stay and be monitored. The journey by car was very painful and difficult: part of it was because – as we discovered once I was there- I was 8cm dilated, but now I think the pain was amplified by the fear of being sent home. Once we arrived in the car park, a midwife saw us and, noticing I was in pain, she reassured me I was doing great, and accompanied us to the midwife led unit, where other two midwives took care of us and examined me. When they confirmed I was 8 cm and my water had broken, I realized we could stay and I started feeling reassured. We reminded them of our preference to have a water birth, and they immediately prepared the pool for us.
I have beautiful memories of the hours spent in that room: the lights in the ceiling like stars in a night sky, the sweet, encouraging words of the midwives, the sound of the water filling the tub, Tom’s holding my hands and breathing with me. In the pool, I started feeling the urge to push, and assisted by the midwives I noticed that my breathing could really make the difference. I realized that the right push was the same push I make for pooing, and that there was a inner, unconscious, deep fear of letting go that accompanied my whole life that I needed to face. I felt this was the exact moment in my life when I could start letting go. That in order to meet my little Neva I needed to let her go. I was in the right environment, with my Tom by my side, nourishing me with love (and biscuits), with these angels – the midwives – guiding me and encouraging me every step of the way. And the pushes were different, I felt Neva’s head coming down, everything looked like we would have had our water birth by the end of the day.
However, time passed, it was 21.30 and Neva was still not there after 5 hours in the pool when I was fully dilated, so the midwife suggested to examine me again.
We discovered the waters weren’t fully broken, so she broke the upfront bag and realized there was meconium in the amniotic fluid. In that moment, the hardest 3 hours of labour – and of our life – started. They transferred us in the Consultant Led Unit, where they could monitor Neva’s heart, and a doctor came scanning my bump, noticing that her head was facing up, and how this was slowing everything down. He explained to us that we were getting into a risky situation, and we needed an assisted delivery in order to be sure that she wasn’t suffering. It was really difficult to hear the options from the doctor (he suggested the use of forceps and, if needed, an emergency caesarean) and all the complications that the anaesthetics might cause, but Tom helped me to remain calm, reassuring me that this was the last step in order to meet our baby, and I signed the consent. It wasn’t easy, and I remember those 10 mins like a nightmare, but the conversation we had in the hypnobirthing course about dealing with unexpected change of plans really settled the ground for facing this moment in the best way.
Once they moved us to the operating theatre around 23.30, everything happened very quickly and I remember this final hour like a dream: I gave birth to Neva without feeling my legs, pushing her out without feeling I was pushing, holding one hand with Tom and the other with the midwife who comforted me and guided me in the final contractions. This was a powerful, life-changing moment which I will remember forever: looking at my legs without feeling them was like looking at my old self abandoning me, in order to welcome the new me: a mum. It was hard, but now I know that in order to expand your soul and welcome such a huge new love in your life, you need to expand every inch of yourself, your body included.
And there she was, seven minutes after midnight, emerging from my womb, like a seashell in the foreshore when the wave retreats: our little Neva on my chest, a new life in the world, a new life for us as mum and dad. It’s incredible how easily, naturally, things can change just in a single moment: as soon as she was born, she started surprising us with her strength, her instinct, her tenderness. She knew what to do, she immediately searched for my breast and start feeding (something, the midwives said, rarely happen in the operating theatre). I felt such a deep joy in my heart, my love for her growing from that very moment and continuing growing every single day. They checked on us all night and all parameters were good, so they discharged us in the afternoon. On Saturday night of the same day she was born we were already at home, ready to start our new life together.
We are so grateful that we were equipped to face this journey with the hypnobirthing techniques, which gave us a deep awareness of the birth process and how to deal with unexpected changes of plans. Now we are both well, my body is recovering fast, pain from surgery almost disappeared and breastfeeding has been very easy with our little hungry baby Neva. She is filling our days with oceans of tenderness, love and joy, and we have Neva.
